3 Lessons for Living Well, From the Dying

What if you knew that you were at the end of your life? Would you have done anything differently? A friend of mine volunteers at a hospice, and she hears one regret over and over from patients: letting relationships wither. They wish that they had made more plans with good friends, or they thought about getting back in touch with an old buddy, and talked themselves out of it.

For the past few years, I have been trying to prioritize my friendships, but after hearing her words, I’m making a bigger effort. I send silly texts. I invite friends to dinner. I squelch that inner voice that says, “They’re probably too busy to hang out.” I do not want any regrets.

Dr. Vicki Jackson, president of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine Board of Directors, said that for the same reason, she doesn’t hesitate to tell people that she loves them.

“I am not Pollyanna; I’m a big academic,” said Dr. Jackson, who has treated dying patients for a quarter century. “But I tell people I appreciate them a lot. I have a lot of deep gratitude, because I know it is dumb luck that it’s not me in that bed. And I know tomorrow it could be.”

I asked Dr. Jackson and other palliative and hospice care experts about what they’ve learned from patients. They offered advice that you can apply to your life, from those at the end of theirs.

Find joy in the ordinary.

Suzanne B. O’Brien, a former hospice nurse and author of “The Good Death: A Guide for Supporting Your Loved One Through the End of Life,” told me that many dying patients look back with longing on the more mundane parts of their routines, like walking their dogs or making pancakes on a Saturday morning.

An easy way to remind yourself to be grateful for those everyday moments, O’Brien added, is to try shifting your perspective: “Instead of telling myself, ‘I have to go to the gym,’ I’ll say, ‘I get to go to the gym,’” O’Brien said. “I stopped saying, ‘Oh, I have to go to the grocery store,’ and say, ‘I get to go to the grocery store.’”

Don’t fret over the small stuff.

Dr. Jackson makes a point not to stew over minor frustrations. If someone cuts her off in traffic, she will ask herself, “Do I really want to spend that 15 minutes of my life giving it over to that guy?”

The answer, inevitably, is no.

Her patients’ emergencies have put everyday life into perspective. “It’s the random phone call you get on a Tuesday afternoon that so-and-so was in a car accident or that they were just diagnosed with cancer,” she said. “Those are the things that rock our worlds.”

Consider what you’ve left unresolved.

Dr. Bethany Snider, chief medical officer of Hosparus Health, which provides nonprofit hospice care in Kentucky and Indiana, told me she frequently asks patients, “What have you left undone?”

This question can also apply to your life now, she said. Maybe there’s a relationship you’ve always wanted to repair, or something you always wanted to do or see.

“I had a 17-year-old who was dying of an advanced liver cancer,” Dr. Snider said. “She wanted to see whales before she died, and we were able to do it.”

If you have a wish that’s within your reach, she said, go for it. “Tomorrow is not promised for any of us,” Dr. Snider said.

And it’s important to have goals in life, no matter the size, Dr. Jackson said. She told me that she would never forget a patient who was very ill and, at the end of her life, decided to binge-watch “Breaking Bad.”

“She said, ‘I do not want to die until I see the end of ‘Breaking Bad,’” Dr. Jackson said. “She got through it all.”

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